Emotional regulation vs emotional avoidance: same outcome, different cost
Are emotional regulation and avoidance basically the same thing? On the surface, it can look that way. You feel overwhelmed, you do something, and your nervous system settles a little. From the outside, it can be hard to tell whether you’ve used a healthy coping strategy or simply dodged the feeling altogether.
So why is there so much buzz about “good” emotional regulation and so much concern about avoidance, if both can soothe the body in the short term?
To get why this matters, we need to look at what your brain is learning in each case, not just how you feel five minutes later.
What do we actually mean by emotional regulation?
In psychology, emotional regulation isn’t about “controlling” feelings or staying calm all the time. It’s about how we relate to our emotions and what we do with them.
Research on emotional regualtion often distinguishes between strategies that happen before an emotion fully kicks in (like reframing a situation) and those that happen after we’re already activated (like taking a breath instead of snapping).
Some examples of helpful emotional regulation:
Noticing you’re anxious and naming it, rather than pretending you’re “fine”
Reframing a situation (“Maybe they’re quiet because they’re tired, not because I’ve done something wrong”)
Using grounding and breathing to help your body settle while staying in the conversation
Reaching out to someone safe instead of shutting everyone out
Choosing a small, values-based action (e.g. sending the email even though your stomach is in knots)
These approaches share a few things:
You stay in some kind of contact with the feeling or situation
You are (to some degree) aware of what’s happening
Your actions are at least loosely aligned with your longer-term values, not just short-term relief
Over time, these strategies teach your brain:
“I can feel hard things and still be safe. I can stay here and cope.”
What is emotional avoidance?
Avoidance is different. It’s not about how you hold the emotion, it’s about trying not to have it at all.
In behavioural and trauma research, emotional or “experiential” avoidance is the attempt to get away from thoughts, feelings, memories or sensations that feel too much, even when that escape takes you away from the life you actually want.
Avoidance can look like:
Always changing the subject when things get emotional
Numbing out with substances, food, work, sex, gaming or scrolling
Regularly not going to certain places or situations (e.g. social events, medical appointments, anything that could trigger shame or fear)
Pushing feelings down with “It doesn’t matter”, “I shouldn’t feel this”, or “Other people have it worse”
Staying endlessly “busy” so you never have to be alone with your thoughts
Short term, avoidance can absolutely calm your nervous system. Long term, the research is pretty consistent: higher levels of experiential avoidance are linked with more anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, PTSD and substance problems.
So yes, both regulation and avoidance can make you feel less distressed for a while. But they send very different messages to your brain.
What your brain learns from avoidance
From a brain point of view, avoidance is like constantly hitting snooze on the threat alarm without ever checking whether there’s still a fire.
When you avoid a situation, memory or feeling, your brain learns:
“That thing must be dangerous, because I keep escaping it.”
“The only way I can handle this emotion is to get rid of it fast.”
“I can’t trust myself to cope if I stay.”
Neuroscience and trauma research show that when we repeatedly avoid trauma reminders or anxiety triggers, symptoms usually get stronger over time, not weaker. The nervous system becomes more sensitised, scanning harder for threat, and life gradually shrinks to fit whatever feels “safe enough”.
You might notice:
More situations feel overwhelming
You need more numbing to get the same relief
Your world becomes smaller and smaller
What your brain learns from emotional regulation
Now contrast that with what happens when you practise staying with your emotion, while supporting your body at the same time.
When people use strategies like cognitive reappraisal (changing the meaning of a situation) or acceptance (making room for feelings instead of fighting them), brain scans show something interesting: areas of the prefrontal cortex (involved in perspective-taking and self-control) become more active, and activity in threat-related areas like the amygdala tends to decrease.
In simple terms, the “thinking” and “wise” parts of the brain are more engaged, and the raw alarm system steps back a bit.
Over time, using strategies like reappraisal is linked with:
Better emotional well-being
Lower levels of depression and anxiety
Healthier relationships and social functioning
There is many ways our brains try to protect us, but the ones that involve staying present tend to build resilience rather than just temporarily numbing distress.
“But if I feel better, does it really matter which one I used?”
It’s a fair question. If your nervous system ends up calmer, why does it matter whether you regulated or avoided?
A few useful distinctions:
Direction of movement
Regulation tends to move you towards what matters (the conversation, the value, the goal), even if only in small steps.
Avoidance moves you away from what matters, to get away from discomfort.
Effect on your world
Regulation usually widens your life: more tolerance, more flexibility, more choice.
Avoidance tends to narrow it: fewer situations feel manageable, more things feel off-limits.
What it does to your story about yourself
Regulation reinforces: “I can cope. I can feel and still act.”
Avoidance reinforces: “I can’t handle this. My feelings are too much. I need something external to save me.”
Both might lower your heart rate in the moment. Only one helps your nervous system learn: “I’m safer than I think.”
How to tell, in the moment, if you’re regulating or avoiding
You don’t need a scanner or a journal every time; a few gentle questions can help:
After I do this, do I feel more connected to myself and others, or more shut down?
Is this action taking me closer to something I care about, or just away from discomfort?
If I zoomed out and watched this pattern over a month, would my life look bigger or smaller?
Does this strategy still work for me tomorrow, or does it create more problems I then have to escape from?
If you mostly feel relief followed by guilt, numbness, or a sense of being further behind in your life, there’s a good chance avoidance is running the show.
Practising regulation instead of defaulting to avoidance
You don’t have to do this perfectly. Small experiments are enough. For example:
When you notice the urge to scroll, drink, overwork or shut down:
Pause for a few breaths and name what you’re feeling (“I’m anxious and embarrassed right now”)
Let your body adjust (feet on floor, slower breathing, looking around the room)
Ask, “What’s one tiny step I could take that’s in line with who I want to be here?”
When you’re tempted to push a feeling away:
Try giving it 30–60 seconds of attention
Notice where it sits in your body, how it shifts
Remind yourself: “This feeling will move on if I let it, I don’t have to fix it right this second”
Sometimes a bit of planned distraction is also regulation — for instance, choosing to watch something gentle after a hard conversation, while still acknowledging the feeling. The difference is that you’re making a conscious, time-limited choice, not living in constant escape mode.
If you recognise yourself in the avoidance patterns, that’s not a failure; it’s a sign your nervous system has been working overtime to protect you. Therapy can help tease apart these patterns, build safer ways to regulate emotions, and support you to move towards a life that feels larger, not smaller, over time.